Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Espresso in a QANTAS cup, home

Okay, my weird fascination with QANTAS coffee just reached even weirder new heights. Yes, I stowed the cup in my vomitbag.

If you're planning on stealing one of these cups for yourself, I should warn you that they're hard to find these days. You're more likely to be given a recyclable paper cup instead, unless they're serving breakfast. A short flight makes it easier too: it's more plausible that it would take longer to drink your coffee than the flight time allows. If you've still got the cup when they have collected your tray, you're home free. Keep it out of sight though: people will get suspicious if you're clutching a full vomitbag but refuse to throw it in the bin.

Monday, September 13, 2010

QANTAS, Townsville to Brisbane

"Yes, thanks."
"Milk and sugar?"
"Just milk, thanks."
Better get the camera ready. It's in the pocket of the seat in front of me. Oh shit. I dropped it. Curse you, slippery caseless iPhone. I'm in a window seat and everyone's tray tables are up. There's no way I can reach the phone on the ground. There's also no way I'm gonna ask the other people in my row to move just so I can get my phone so I can take a photo of my coffee for my blog about coffee. That would be crossing a line. Thanks god I'm not sitting next to strangers, that would be even worse. Even with people I know, it's crossing a line. There's only one way to do this:
  • Hold down the heel of my right shoe with the toe of my left shoe.
  • Slide the right shoe off.
  • Hold down the toe of my right sock with the heel of my right sock.
  • Slide the right sock off.
  • Fish around with the bare right foot until I find the phone.
  • Flip the phone, with my right foot, up against my left shoe so at least one corner is off the ground.
  • Grasp (yes, really, grasp) the phone between my right foot's big toe and the unnamed one next to it. Let's called it the "second toe" for now.
  • Bend right knee as much as possible without disrupting tray table, and bend right foot upward.
  • You should now be able to reach the phone with your right hand. If not, pick up the coffee with your left hand, shove the tray table out of the way with your knees, hold the tray table against the seat in front of you with your head, and reach down and pick up the phone.
  • Click.

Hmm, now that I think about it, why didn't I just move the magazine and pick up the coffee and move the blasted tray table? The photo doesn't show the whole tray, there must have been a muffin on there too. Reelin' in the Years (which can be found on audio channel 12 or 8, depending on your flight and aircraft) is pretty amazing this month: a look at the music of 1995. Love it. It's worth listening to the whole thing just to hear Glenn A. Baker say "Tokyo Ghetto Pussy".

Sunday, September 5, 2010

QANTAS, Perth to Melbourne

"Would you like the chicken or the lamb?"
"Oh, actually I should have a vegetarian meal on the way...?"
"Did you order one?"
"Well you weren't on the list, you must have changed your flight."
"Not that I know of. I didn't book it."
"Oh, you must have changed it at the last minute."
"No, it's been booked for at least a month."
"And you're sure you ordered a vegetarian meal?"
"Yes, I was given one on the flight over here."
"Well, we do have two spare ones."
"The two guys sitting behind me ordered vegetarian too. Let them have 'em."
I'm not quite as strict with this stuff as the other guys, I was sure they'd appreciate me being the fall guy.
"Okay. Would you just like a tray then?"
"I'll have the lamb if you've got one."
It's not like I'm allergic to meat, I just don't think it's necessary to eat it three times a day, or even once a week for that matter. It's a sometimes food for me, and I've got to choose my times wisely. QANTAS is never going to be one of those times. That's why I eat vego on planes. But they fucked up, it's a long flight, and I'd rather it get eaten than thrown out. Clearly my effort to not cause a scene was completely lost on the flight attendant:
"A vegetarian but you'll eat lamb?? HA! The wonders never cease!"
That is what she really said.
"I'm being flexible."
"It's a preference. There's no need to laugh at me over it."
Aside: get fucked.
"What? Oh, you don't need to take it so seriously!"
Right. Fuck you too.