Monday, October 5, 2009

On Reviews: Latte, home

I might be getting paranoid. But this scenario often plays out in my head:

WAITER puts flat white on table in front of RYAN.
RYAN: Thanks!
RYAN pulls out his iPhone, slides to unlock, opens, and aims it at the cup of coffee.
WAITER: Hey, you aren't Ryan by any chance are you?
RYAN: Yes!
WAITER pulls out a blunderbuss and shoots RYAN straight through the temple.

My blog is going to really seriously piss somebody off very soon. After the furore surrounding George Calombaris and his comments about bloggers, and the few anonymous angry comments I've received so far, I've had a big long think about this blog, why I started it, whether that's still relevant, why I still do it, why Berocca comes in packs of fifteen, what I want the blog to be in the future, and whether that should involve reviews, either good or bad. As my sister once said, "Just be consistent, and don't piss anyone off." I think she was talking about footnoting at the time, but the same philosophy can be applied to all areas in life. Popular cafes get googled a lot. That's where most of my search engine traffic comes from. Some customers will decide whether to go to a place or not based on what they find through googling. If they find my blog entry, based on my only experience at the venue, when I found the coffee disappointing, that customer might assume the place isn't worth visiting. The visit-once-and-expect-perfection process doesn't work in reality. A place might make amazing coffee, but I might get served a dud. It happens. Even Larry Bird at the free throw line is only right 88.6% of the time.
So I've decided my experience is kind of irrelevant if I'm only going there once. Which I will be, if I'm writing about every single cup.
(Unless, of course, there was something reeeeeally wrong with it that suggests there are some problems that need rectifying)
So why should I bother blogging about the not-quite-amazing coffee I just had?
The answer is, "You shouldn't, because what do you possibly have to gain from sharing that potentially erroneous information?"
The answer to that is, "Nothing. It's more damaging to them than it is gratifying for me. And stop answering my questions with questions."
"Only if you stop beginning sentences with 'and'."
So I can still talk about the huge painting of a bar code on the wall, and whether it still scans, or the logistics of seating four people at a three-legged table. But I'll leave the reviews to Melbourne Coffee Review which, as the title suggests, reviews coffee.
(though the title also suggests they review it in Melbourne, which is not always the case)

And as for the Berocca? It must be because there are fifteen syllables in the jingle.
  1. B
  2. B
  3. B
  4. B
  5. Be
  6. Roc
  7. Ca
  8. Gives
  9. You
  10. Back
  11. Your
  12. B
  13. B
  14. Bounce
  15. (plop)

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